Original Paragraph: I personally believe that art can help students reduce stress, along with other mental health issues. I read an article that was called, “To excel or not to excel: Strong evidence on the adverse effect of smartphone addiction on academic performance” by Nazir S. Hawi and Maya Samaha. They talked about how students from many universities may have a high risk of smartphone addiction, and because they are less likely to achieve high GPAs.. I think many students depend on their phones to cope with stress, anxiety, an escape from reality, and much more. Smartphone addiction has been increasing for years, since we have the device on the palm of our hands, which is a great amount of technology. In the article “Necessary Edges”by Yo-Yo Ma, he talks about how art is needed in the public school system. He goes to explain how the STEM curriculum isn’t giving our children a well rounded education and proposes the idea that art needs to be added to the curriculum due to its benefits to the students, and make it a STEAM curriculum. Yo-Yo Ma states “This new consciousness by which we purposely seek to bolster the integrative feedback loops of our dual neural pathways could provide new energy for creativity in our weary civilization.” By this, I think art can be some type of escape from reality, kind of corresponding to a hobby. This refers back to the smartphone addiction article, people use their phone as an excuse to not pay attention in school which has a negative impact on the individual. This quote from Samaha and Hawi’s article, who quoted Jeong, claims, “Other studies conducted in South Korea and Lebanon showed that those who have lower self-control and those who have greater stress were more likely to be addicted to smartphones . Whether a cause or an effect, smartphone addiction is detrimental to productivity in general and learning in particular.” Instead of relying on a smartphone, art is a positive way for students to give their brain a break from actual school work, which can cause a lot of pressure. Instead of using phones to get away from the academics, I think art will help the students minds stay creative and help with developing high levels of creativity can help with good coping mechanisms.
Revised Paragraph: I personally believe that art can help students with mental health issues. I read an article that was called, “Strong evidence on the adverse effect of smartphone addiction on academic performance” by Nazir S. Hawi and Maya Samaha. They talked about how students from many universities may have a high risk of smartphone addiction. They are less likely to achieve high GPAs. I think many students depend on their phones to cope with stress, anxiety, and depression. Smartphone addiction has been increasing for years, since we have the device on the palm of our hands. In the article “Necessary Edges” by Yo-Yo Ma, he talks about how art is needed in the public school system. He explains how the STEM curriculum isn’t giving our children a well rounded education. Ma proposes the idea that art needs to be added to the curriculum. I think STEAM would benefit the students because it sharpens creative thinking. Along with helping them achieve more successfully in other basic subjects. Yo-Yo Ma states “This new consciousness by which we purposely seek to bolster the integrative feedback loops of our dual neural pathways could provide new energy for creativity in our weary civilization.” I think art can be some type of escape from reality, kind of corresponding to a hobby. People use their phone as an excuse to not pay attention in school which has a negative impact on the individual. Samaha and Hawi’s claims, “Other studies conducted in South Korea and Lebanon showed that those who have lower self-control and those who have greater stress were more likely to be addicted to smartphones. Whether a cause or an effect, smartphone addiction is detrimental to productivity in general and learning in particular.” School causes a lot of stress on students. Instead of relying on a smartphone to get away from academics, art is a positive way for students to give their brain a break from actual school work. I think art will help the students with developing high levels of creativity.
Reflection: During the process, I wasn’t a fan of Klinkborg’s method. It made my sentences sound choppy. Making the sentences shorter is hard because making them longer seems like you’re putting all the information you need. Though, making them shorter and using the right words can make it more clearer for the reader to understand your points. Now comparing both paragraphs, using his advice worked and I like it because the short sentences get the information down to the point and not clutter-like. It made the set up have a better flow.
